i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize