I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
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