I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
he just fucked me for my cheese.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
