My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
