I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
