he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize