Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
