if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
