How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize