A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize