Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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