so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
