Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
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