I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize