I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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