this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
