You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
