Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
