you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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