is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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