Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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