Your face is a jimmy john
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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