so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
