Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
it's great music for shaving your balls
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
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