The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I am available for nakedness
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
