Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
