im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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