No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
