I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
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