I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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