I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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