Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
