if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
