My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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