I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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