tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
