She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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