it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
