Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
