Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
