when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
be right there i have to get my cape
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
