I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
