I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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