I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
