He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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