but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize