why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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