My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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