oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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