Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
