I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Randomize
