i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
try to milk me bitch
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