smell my finger.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
